Mary - acrylic on paper.
This week i have been kind of in the thick of it.
In the thick of change.
In the thick of noticing.
I am doing work in Pixie Campbell's Woman Is a River course
which is building in me a sense of feminising my connection with money and abundance.
The way we are looking at these things has me noticing how programmed i have become about minimizing what i receive, even when what i receive is free, and life giving - like air. The tiny breaths i take - expecting on some level to be noticed for my lack of greed and be rewarded - are a metronome measure of how little i claim. How little i feel i deserve.
And yet air is there. Free. Clean. Cycled through endless cycles through trees and plants and back to me. To you. To support and nourish. To allow, on each in breath and out breath for healing and cleansing. And yet i still act like breathing freely is gluttony. When really it is an act of gratitude for all that is there for me.
Noticing how that change in thinking is liberating me - allowing me to claim my space, my dear body's right to it's essential needs.
My noticing is around seeing the negative thought patterns in my head that leap in to try and contain me. When I get too big for my life - imagine too much, begin to receive too much, attract too much, the voices rise up and tell me;
"Who are you to think that/want that/imagine that/receive that."
"You can't have that. You are not smart enough/important enough/clever enough...." (i could go on but i feel tired just typing that)
And then i listened to Jo Pillmore
talking about how we create our reality by our thoughts... If all we listen to is talk back radio - to all the people who want to talk about the terrible things in the world, the crime, the racism, the sexism etc etc etc, then our brains learn that as reality. And it seeks this out in the world. Brain says "You are thinking about how the world works? OK, we are on to this. We know that there is hate crime and meanspiritedness and we will go out there and find it for you."
If you listen to public radio, where they talk about the bad things in the world for sure but also about innovation and communities working together and people reaching past the limits and doing great things, then your version of the world is a place where that happens... and your brain goes out to find it.
AND THEN, (thanks for getting this far - it has been a big day) I saw this
which makes me think that even what is in front of my very eyes is subject to perception.
So if i can't always trust my eyes (courtesy of the video) and i need to take care of my aural diet (the radio analogy), and i am willing to literally starve myself of something that is available to me freely and which actually sustains me and enhances my work on the planet (the breath part)...
AND ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE CONTIGENT ON ME HAVING CLEAR THINKING ABOUT THEM ....
then i need to clean up my thinking.
I am on a constant thought clean up patrol. I am now on neighbourhood watch in my own head.
Saying (thanks to D'vorah Horn Greenburg
) the inner no.
Sticky introjected thought (the ones that have been injected into my thinking with or without my permission)? NO i will not walk any further with you.
And to negative complexes (those energy forces which live off our energy and make us smaller and less than) BEGONE (Thank you to Dr Estes
AND THEN... I hear a friend in a forum i belong to talking about how making a bad job in her recent offering was kind of like her proving her love to her Dad who was always on her about how she wouldn't amount to anything.... and KABAM i felt that shift some gears inside me... How can i perpetuate my smallness based on things that aren't even mine. Things that do not look like love. Things that make it harder to do my work in the world. Less likely to turn up. Less likely to shine.
I am here, resting in my divine feminine and feeling my way into the truth that each time i turn my thoughts away from the things that make me smaller and toward the things that make me bigger - make me claim my inheritance as a child of God/Goddess/All That Is, I am closer to my purpose. Closer to home.
One thing i can do to antidote the river of vitriole that is still flowing in my head is noticing when i receive - theory being that if i tune this radio in my head to a station that notices good things coming to me i will begin to seek out more of the good things....i would love it if you could join me, receive with me - write down three things you have received today in the comments and i will send you a little something... so you can receive some more.
Today i received a beautiful compliment from Lisa
, a cuddle from a horse, and a cuddle from my wild cat.